Now that I’m a mom of two boys, I’m slowly starting to realize how gross they really are. In fact, I feel like I’m re-living my college days when I was in a relationship with a fraternity boy. Even though there are not any Greek letters hoisted above my front door; the smells and mess you encounter when you enter – will definitely have you questioning whether or not an entire fraternity lives here. Hopefully one day, I’ll have my own private bathroom and space that will be off-limits to those grimy little minions – or at least have a live in housekeeper as soon as I win the lotto.
Until then, here are 10 reasons why living with a toddler (son) is like living in a frat house:
- They Are Proud Of Their Bowel Movements. Every time my son goes to the bathroom he has to show me. “Momma, look what I did – Ta Da!” You know you’re a mom when you actually go look and then react by giving a high-five.
- They Have Sub-Par Hygiene. I have to threaten my son to brush his teeth. I usually tell him his teeth are going to fall out if he doesn’t brush them. Mean, I know, but I can’t stand his rotten carcass breath. He wipes snot on his arms, his feet smell, and I’ll spare you the details and not discuss his butt-wiping capabilities.
- They Have Poor Aim. Pee is everywhere. Riddle me this – how hard is it to pee into a giant hole when you’re standing less than an inch away from the toilet? Why is this concept so difficult for men / boys?
- They Pass Gas Anytime – Anywhere. Usually any breaking wind is accompanied by giggles so I don’t mind this as much. If you’re a grown man –then it’s not cute.
- They Like To Touch Themselves. Even my eight month old immediately reaches for his boy parts the second his diaper comes off. Just last week, my toddler pulled his pants down to show my mother-in-law his privates. Men and their pride – I guess it starts at birth.
- They Pull All-Nighters. My son is going through a growth spurt and he’s a night owl, which means sleepless nights for me too. Even if he goes to bed late he’s up by 6 am. I can’t wait until he’s a teenager and sleeps around the clock.
- Their Rooms Are Trashed. I clean my boys’ room at least four times a day and it still looks like a tornado ravished it. To find a pair of socks my son insists on pulling every piece of clothing out first and then proceeds to throw everything on the floor.
- They Sneak In Your Bed. Always when you’re not looking too. Every night my son goes to sleep in his bed, yet every morning I wake up and he’s in mine. Secretly I love this because one day he won’t want to cuddle with me, and I’m not ready for that just yet.
- They Are Vomit Comets. Toddlers are projectile vomit machines – in case you didn’t know. It usually happens when you’re wearing a nice outfit and it comes out of nowhere.
- They Have No Filter. Leave it to your kid to embarrass you every chance they get. Offensive language is just part of their daily lives. Honesty is a virtue, but when you have a toddler – it’s a curse.
While I try teaching my son to mind his P’s and Q’s now, I’m hoping, as he gets older his manners will be more prominent in our daily lives. But first things first – we need to focus on his aim.